The CRPG Compulsive?

Me and Irene--if I was dumb enough to face my computer in such way that she could walk up behind me and see what I was doing without me noticing.

If you're like many people, today is the first day of a new set of resolutions to finally get your life on track. Or tomorrow, since who starts resolutions on a weekend? Actually, I forgot: tomorrow is a holiday for most people. So Tuesday would be better. Definitely Tuesday.

Most resolutions have something to do with addiction. Quit smoking; quit drinking (or drink less); stop eating so much; stop spending so much. We tend to think about certain resolutions in terms of habits that we want to adopt, but most of the time, this means getting rid of a habit that we want to break. Going to the gym more means watching TV less. Spending more time with the family means spending less time on computer games.

Now before you get worried, I didn't make a resolution to stop playing games, though it would probably be better for my life if I did. But it's not something I should dismiss lightly. Unfortunately, I don't mean "CRPG Addict" as a metaphor. If I had a blog called "The Booze Addict"* in which I described my adventures drinking alcohol night after night, spending at least six hours with each brand before rating them on a custom scale you'd all regard it with numb horror, and my comments would be filled with pleas to get help and hyperlinks to Alcoholics Anonymous. But people can read "CRPG Addict" and think that it's meant in a cutesy way, like "chocoholic."

(After I wrote this, I typed http://boozeaddict.blogspot.com into the browser header, and found that it's a real blog, titled "My Family and My Booze: Daily reports on getting off my alcohol addiction." The blogger posted four consecutive days in a row between December 21, 2001 and December 24, 2001, and then never again. I really, really hope that he just discovered that he didn't like blogging.)

I don't mean to suggest that video game addiction is as devastating, or as hard to kick, as alcohol or drug addiction, but it's still a problem. Consider this: I played Skyrim from 3:00 p.m. yesterday until 7:00 a.m. this morning. The only reason that I didn't start playing until 3:00 p.m. yesterday is because I slept until 2:00 after playing until 6:00 a.m. yesterday morning. In fact, in the last seven days, I have done nothing but sleep, bathe, and play Skyrim, save for a couple hours here and there that I used to answer e-mail and crank out my posting on PEDIT5.

I can't help but wonder what I have to show for those 100+ hours. I haven't even won the freaking game. (I would have, of course, if I hadn't started over twice.) I'm way behind on work. I've probably gained 15 pounds, because all my meals have been taken from the couch and generally have involved some form of melted cheese. I only posted one blog entry. I didn't do any of the work in a class I'm taking.

Please, no Skyrim hate in the comments. The issue here isn't whether it's a good game. The issue is that, at least for me, it is an addictive game. Once I start playing it, I literally cannot seem to force myself to stop. "To do" lists, timers, appointments, meals, circadian rhythms, deadlines... Skyrim trumps all of them.

The secret to success surely must be treating your real "to do" list with as much fidelity as this.

This has happened before, of course. I started this blog writing about my "lost weekend" playing Oblivion, and I remember similar stretches of Might & Magic VI and Baldur's Gate in which I pushed the rest of the world aside and did nothing but play games. The advantage was that after about 40 hours, I won them. Skyrim, if you do all the quests--and we must do all the quests, even the bounty hunts and dragon hunts and giant hunts and burglary jobs that keep coming and coming and never actually end yes we must do them too must do them ALL hahahahahaha--must be one of the longest-playing CRPGs ever made--aside from MMORPGs, of course, which I treat like meth. Not even once.

I woke up this morning determined to understand my addiction a little better and, upon reflection, realized that many of my problems have a similar root. Consider:

• I rarely sit down to play a game unless I know I'm going to have several hours to devote to it. Related, if I do start playing a game knowing that I'll only have a short time to devote to it, I almost always end up exceeding that time.

• If I decide to cook myself some pasta for dinner, I intentionally make too much (i.e., the whole box) because I'm afraid if I don't, I'll run out of pasta before I'm ready to stop eating pasta (which is well past the point at which I'm full).

• Although I might go weeks between drinks, when I do drink, I almost never have a single drink. Or even just two drinks.

The problem is, this might not be "addiction." A little time at the dictionary and Wikipedia suggests that addiction is a physical or psychological dependence, such that one suffers withdrawal if the object of the dependence is removed. This isn't quite my problem. I go long stretches--as you're all well aware--without playing any games. I also go long stretches without eating, drinking alcohol, or gambling, too. The problem is that when I do do those things, I tend to do them--just like playing Skyrim--to complete satiation. I have, in short, no sense of moderation. 

I then researched compulsion for a little while, and while it wasn't a perfect fit, either, it seemed to describe my problem a little better. Compulsives feel an inescapable urge to do something long past the point that it becomes sensible to do it. I had always assumed that the thing in question need be unproductive or unpleasurable, but apparently this need not be the case: witness compulsive eating or compulsive gambling.

The odd thing is that for the past two years, I've been feeling better about my computer game problem. Despite the fact that I've been playing and blogging about it, until recently, I haven't had a lot of days in which I've kicked myself for too much game playing. And the literature on compulsion helps me understand why: a key treatment (aside from medication) for compulsive disorders is to force yourself to do something that breaks the pattern. I'm largely not playing Skyrim right now because I ran out of soda earlier today. Having to get properly dressed, leave the house, and go to the store got me out of the Skyrim zone, and by the time I got home, I didn't feel any particular need to get back in it. When I play CRPGs on my computer and blog about them, the process of stopping to write notes and blog entries breaks the pattern of constant playing and keeps me from playing too much.

I have thus made one game-related resolution for 2012: Skyrim will be the last game that I play that is not part of this blog. After that, I don't play anything else unless I'm actively blogging about it. This should both increase the frequency of my postings in 2012 and also decrease my feelings of self-loathing over too much game-playing.

I should mention, before I sign off, that Irene has been an absolute angel, promising not to complain about my obsession or my odd hours as a sort-of Christmas gift, as long as I get it together this coming week. But Monday is a holiday and all, so I really hope she meant starting Tuesday.